CougZone.com - The Pres' Palouse Park Bench - A Public Service Announcement

October 23, 2009

Michael Preston
CougZone.com Staff Writer

Here at the Palouse Park Bench Institute for Technology and Brewing, we are always investing in new technologies and looking for ways to give you, the loyal reader, an insight into WSU athletics and creating a dark, malty beverage for the winter months. While were still looking to perfect the exact formula for John Daly Stout, what we have created is our very special Vehicle for Chronology and Epoch Manipulation and Circumspection. For those of you who haven't picked up our brochure, it's also called a time machine. This week, we're using it to look into the future of all Cougar athletics, not just football. Because here at the institute, our crack scientists and psychologists have determined you're sick of hearing about the football team and also, that most you like the dressing directly on your appetizer salad rather than on the side. Additionally, and we've discovered this through very thorough research, it's always better to make guys pay to get into a party and let the ladies in free. Careful though, this time warp could get bumpy. I think Corey Feldman might've left his career in here.

PULLMAN, WA -

September 5th, 2014:

The Cougar football team is ready to embark in their first season in the now completely remodeled Tuel Stadium, renamed after the 2013 season after the most prolific passer in NCAA history donated his 65 million dollar signing bonus he received from the New England Patriots. Head coach Paul Wulff said he's looking forward to another season on the gridiron, vying for his second consecutive national championship.

"I think we have the pieces to compete for the title again," said Wulff standing in front of his bronze statue. "I think adding Boise State to the conference and axing Washington will make it a much tougher conference to play in."

Asked about his recent addition to the equipment team, Wulff said his experience will do the most good for the players and coaches.

"I really think Steve Sarkisian will be an excellent addition to this team," said Wulff. "As long as he doesn't lose things like he lost Apple Cups, we should be fine."

During the off-season, Wulff turned down multiple job offers, including a head coaching gig with the Los Angeles Chargers who are looking to rebuild after perennial quarterback disappointment Jimmy Clausen inexplicably retired to run his "Four National Championships" limo service. Wulff chose to stay at Washington State because he felt confident he could lead the team to glory and wanted to be here to watch over the greatest success in school history.

"It's all about lifting that crystal trophy," Wulff said. "As a former player and now the coach, I can't think of anything I'd love more."

It couldn't hurt that Wulff was also given a 12 year, 55 million dollar contract extension by athletic director Drew Bledsoe, in his second year at the helm of the athletic department after Jim Sterk began serving as the United Nations top peacekeeper after his successfully defused the famous Mike Stoops Incident between the now committed coach and Pac-10 football officials.

"We felt Coach Wulff more than deserved this generous extension," said Bledsoe. "We intend on keeping Paul here for as long as he wants to coach football."

"A great day for Cougar nation and Cougar athletics," said associate athletic director Michael Preston. "We look forward to more national championship banners being hung in the new Paul Allen Building for Academic and Athletic Excellence."

The previously much-maligned Cougar athletic department is garnering success off the gridiron and on the hardwood as well. Men's basketball coach Ken Bone says he expects yet another Final Four appearance by his squad after Reggie Moore, Xavier Thames Jr. and Brock Motum all decided to stay out the NBA Draft and try to repeat their All-American performances from last season.

With former assistant Ben Johnson now the head man for Georgetown, Bone had an assistant position to fill last season and wasted no time hiring the perfect man for the job.

"I think Tony Bennett will be welcomed back with open arms to Washington State," said Bone. "There was too much pressure on him at Virginia and I think, in an assistant's role, he can really thrive in teaching our student-athletes a great defensive strategy."

But it isn't just the men who are enjoying the spotlight inside Beasley Coliseum, the women are running out of room to place banners in the rafters after their fourth straight Pac-10 title. Coach June Daugherty has proposed adding another set of girder to Friel Court's roof to fit all the team's honors inside the hallowed hall of basketball in the state of Washington after the McCarthey Athletic Center collapsed under the weight of Mark Few's ego.

After breaking multiple attendance conference attendance records, the athletic department is pitching a new arena to the university. The proposed 16,500 seat Keith Jackson Coliseum is on target to be completed in 2017 on the same land previously occupied by the tennis court used by the now defunct tennis team.

With the sharp influx of money into the athletic department, the school has acted quickly in adding new sports to satisfy the students' ravenous appetite for all things college athletics. New men's soccer coach Zinedine Zidane will be looking to improve sharply after his team collected an NCAA record 146 red cards, most for violent outbursts involving head butts.

Bledsoe says he is still working with the Pac-10 conference to make kickball a varsity sports after WSU's two-time national championship team is looking for better competition.

"Look, we just want to play school that are actually good," said captain Zach Jeffries. "We're getting sick of beating up on Boise State 104-2. Frankly, playing Florida, with or without Tim Tebow, would be great. But don't even get me started on why the NCAA granted him a 10th year of eligibility."

Hard to believe only a few years ago, the Cougars were looking for anything positive in their athletic department. Now, the good vibes just keep coming as the Cougars make more room in their already full trophy case.

Welcome back to the present. Good thing the Palouse Park Bench Institute for Technology and Brewing also makes a beer. You're going to need on Saturday.

PICKS:

Last Week: 3-1
Overall: 28-16

How did Arizona come back last week in stunning fashion? Simple: Nick Foles. If Kevin Riley can throw all over UCLA, surely any one can.

Tucson Two Step 34, We're Quickly and Completely Losing It 10

Too bad this game isn't in Corvallis. Then the black and orange would actually stand a chance.

Barkley Might Be THAT Good 42, Oregon State Is Not THAT Good 14

Arizona State needed a miracle to sneak by the Huskies. What makes me think they could beat the Cardinal? Nothing. Did you think I was actually going to give you something?

Gerhart for Heisman 24, The Personal Foul Express 6

I have a bad feeling about this one?..

Ew-Dub 20, The Phil Knights 17

And now, your Cougar picks:

California 42, Washington State 6 says the man with flowing locks I am so incredibly jealous of Cameron Crisp.

California 45, Washington State 0 says the man with no confidence David McNeely.

California 6, Washington State 2 says a man who is clearly taking something for dementia Kevin Gordon.

Key stat for me: if the Cougars can hold California rushers to under 100 yards in the first half, they might stand a chance. But even after the bye week, the offensive line isn't healthy and although Cal's defense isn't Arizona State, they are still good. If the passing defense is terrible in this one, you might as well turn away from Notre Dame. The worst part about that game may be that a national television audience will see Jimmy Clausen throw all over the Cougars. The pass defense needs to step up and hold Riley to under 250 yards of passing and pick off three balls. If they can do that, I'm slightly more confident in their abilities going into San Antonio. But that game is next week. Too bad this one won't be any prettier.

California 49, Washington State 10

Obscure Pick of the Week: At a neutral site! This one should intense!

Benedictine University-Illinois 27, Lake Land College 10

Dunderhead of the Week: WSU's yearly preachy and slightly insane person, Crazy Holy Man. Every year, this gentleman comes to campus preaching a lot of hell fire and brimstone, telling everyone of us that God does not love us. You may have seen him outside the west entrance to Qwest Field before the annual Cougar game in Seattle. He generally gets in unproductive shouting matches with students and efficiently pisses people off. Does that alone make him a dunderhead? No. He dropped his sign and the long, brittle plywood stick he was using to hold it up broke. Well done sir.

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