CougZone.com - The Cougar Lounge - The Towering Treasure

May 17, 2009

Tony Duarte

"I never dreamed I would be spending this much money on a house or a car or a pack of M&M's either."

- Wazzu head men's hoop coach Ken Bone, who finalized his seven-year contract beginning with $650,000 for the first year. Well, M&M's have gone up in price you know, Ken.

"My sense is they are very close to accusing USC of some misconduct."

- Attorney Anthony Salerno, commenting on USC's current men's hoop scandal involving head coach Tim Floyd allegedly accepting payment for former Trojan start OJ Mayo playing at USC.

"He knew who I was ? a writer. I read body language well. He was uneasy. It was written all over his face."

- Salerno's client and former sportswriter, Louis Johnson, recalling the moment Floyd saw him after allegedly forking over $1000 spending money for Mayo to one of Mayo's handlers.

"I would never give driving lessons to women. We need to build new roads for them. Why? Because you never know what to expect from a woman on the road."

- Russian soccer player Andrey Arshavin exhibiting a spectacular brain malfunction - even for people residing in the Stupid Universe ? who studied for a diploma in fashion design so he could meet attractive women. Next up, a match race, Danica Patrick vs. Arshavin on one of those roads they made for women at Indianapolis.

The Lounge has always enjoyed Saturday Night Live. Who can forget the classics such as Beisbol Been Berry, Berry Good To Me, Roseanne Rosannadanna, Land Shark, Samurai Delicatessen, Two Wild & Crazy Guys, Coneheads, Church Lady, Stuart Smalley, Cowbell, Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey and nearly the entire Eddie Murphy spectrum ? Mister Robinson's Neighborhood, James Brown's Hot Tub Party, I'm Gumby Dammit!, Velvet Jones and, of course, Buckwheat. There are many more but we could spend all day - and several nights ? listing them and then rolling around on the floor laughing. It could get ugly. But Anheuser Busch remembers the Land Shark episode so fondly that they went ahead and renamed Miami's Dolphin Stadium to Land Shark Stadium for one year so they could be properly prepared for next year's Super Bowl.

Maybe next year, Anheuser Busch can make a deal with the state of Utah, especially now that the Zion curtains have come tumbling down. Zion curtains were glass partitions separating bartenders from patron in order to demonize the drinking of alcohol [Bad alcohol! Bad, bad alcohol!] and were only present in good ole fun-loving Utah. But now, that has all changed and the curtains came down beginning last week, freeing up the surely imminent lucrative A-B deal.

That also frees up more college teams to begin looking at Utah as a possible destination for their basketball road trips and that is particularly good for new Wazzu head men's hoop coach Ken Bone now that his contract is all finalized and he can begin to think of things like scheduling without worrying about contract numbers. Bone is being paid the same base salary as former head coach Whatshisname but will receive a $50k bump in collateral compensation [from $400k to $450k] and a $5k bump in getting the team GPA above a 2.5. Of course, there are still the usual perks such as first class travel upgrades, bringing along two guests on a couple road trips, family travel for the Pac-10 tournament, company car, tickets to home and away games and country club membership.

"I'm beginning to get worried about the draft," says Horst P. Horst, Lounge Aficionado about the Major League Baseball draft and the possibility of losing some Cougars to it.

Whew ? that was a close one, Horst ? we thought you meant that "other" draft. Plenty of people would be worried about that one. But the MLB draft should be a cause of some concern for Cougar fans and well-wishers as well - particularly in the case of junior reliever Jeremy Johnson. With ace of the pitching staff Matt Way on his way to the MLB, Johnson seems set to join returners redshirt sophomore Chad Arnold and freshman David Stilley as a potent 1-2-3 pitching punch for the Cougars ? that is, if the possible MLB moolah does not sway him. Way successfully staved off the MLB money carrot last year and came back to get his degree and improved his draft stock. The similarity to Johnson's case is uncanny and since everything turned out well for Way and the Cougars this year, head coach Donnie Marbut may be inclined to use that as a reference point for Johnson.

"Was the baseball program really in danger of being axed due to budget cuts?" asks Miss Fortune like a frightened bunny.

All the Lounge can tell you Miss F, is that we never heard a peep about this being a possibility ? even one of the remote nature. Now, that is not exactly a damning testimonial since the popularity of Carrot Top and Paris Hilton caught us by surprise and continue to astound us to this day. Still, Mr. Top and Miss Hilton aside, there were never any facts nor remarks from athletic director Jim Sterk associated with the baseball program's seeming imminent demise and with that being the case, it was merely idle and, possibly hurtful, speculation from non-CougZone sources because it caused Marbut extra trouble in having to convince recruits that the baseball program was in no danger of being cut. The Lounge's Big Brother - CZ - has always made sure to collect facts and/or some verifiable authority remarks to back up any non-opinion content and will continue to tread that path well into the future.

On that note, we are proud to bring you Factropolis, where you can learn fascinating things such as Pablo Picasso working in only an apron and sandals, getting a Frisbee stuck on the White House roof, Jackie O's beer can collection, the first hair dryer was powered by diesel fuel and Wazzu's baseball program is still in existence, as evidenced by their win over Oregon State last week.

Finally, the Lounge Scientists are all a-dither because they invented a flying car. Define "flying car" you say? Why, a car that flies, of course! It is not like the Jetsons' flying cars, but the Terrafugia Transition is probably better than the AMC Matador they flew in that James Bond flick. The Transition is a car and, in 20 seconds, can be an airplane. It can only go 70 miles per hour as a car and 100 knots as a plane, but hey! It can fly and it is a car part of the time.

"A lot of people said they never thought it would fly," said the proud papa flying car designer and Lounge Scientist #20 Carl Dietrich and former student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology who reportedly saw many episodes of the Jetsons.

We are not, however, recommending taking the flying car to Land Shark Stadium any time soon.

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