The only thing worse than going 0-for-everything is being close to somebody that goes 0-for-everything. It was complete and utter decadence last week as both Butch and Tommy stunk up the joint with Tommy sinking to new Washington-style lows by going 0-for-5 and Butch not getting much better at only 2-3. That's a lotta losing. Not only that but the irony that was also lost – but then located under a discarded whiskey bottle next to the park bench – was that Butch's two victories came in games where he picked against Wazzu and with Tommy's boys of Troy. That could be a fine display of prognosticating skill or it could just be the horse chestnut of fate whacking into Butch's skull. As for the rest of the week's games – what games? – neither of us are sure we know what you could possibly be talking about. Butch and Tommy were under the distinct impression that everybody took the week off and we get to start with a clean 0-0 slate again. Isn't that how they do it at all the big-time joints in Vegas? This week's hacked-up hairballs of hallucinations…
Tommy: Well, Tommy really screwed the pooch last week. After coming all the way back to forge a tie, the Skirted One throws up a donut in week eleven. Nothing like Butch's nog to get you in the mood to stink. Speaking of stink, how was the trip to Tempe, Butch?
Butch: It was great. You should see it, Tommy. They have this weird thing called a "football" but nobody was sure what to do with it so everybody went back to sleep until the zookeeper said Butch couldn't sleep in the gutter on Tuesdays because his nog-breath would frighten the kiddies.
Oregon State (-14.5) at Stanford
Tommy: Typical Beavs. They spoil a good defensive effort by coughing up the ball four times to lose. Time to get well. Sure, the Trees are riding high after a huge win against a great Husky team, but they still suck. Still On Track For El Paso-35, Yay, We Won-13.
Butch: After that performance against UCLA, it's clear that Oregon State evidently caught the bug that's been going around the Northwest. The Trees will be all bark and no bite [good for Beavers] but OSU should win – it just won't be a blowout of epic proportions. Butch takes the Trees to cover.
Arizona at Oregon (-13)
Tommy: Sure, the Cats are hot now, but if we've learned anything this year from the middle of the pack teams of the conference, it's that you can't stay hot for long. The Ducks are mad that they just got thrashed, and they pounded UCLA and Portland State at home after sustaining road losses. The Cats will be the next victim. Too Many Tough Road Games-27, Not Enough Offense-7.
Butch: It's the battle of the Mike's – only it hasn't been much of a battle – Bellotti has never lost to Stoops. In fact, Bellotti and the Nikes are 5-0 [and 4-1 ATS] the last five years against Arizona. Butch likes the sounds of those numbers and takes the Nikes to win and cover.
Washington at WSU (-9)
Tommy: Well, so much for the resurgent Northwest. The four schools above the only state that matters took it in the old keister last weekend. What once looked like a sure 9-3 for Butch's boys could immediately turn into a 6-6 catastrophe with a loss this week. Fear not, Butch. Only one sentence can describe WSU's outlook: the Huskies lost at home last week by 17...to Stanford. Viva Las Vegas-24, Remember When We Were 4-1 and Ty Was a Genius-12.
Butch: Cougs win by five – maybe 12 – depends on how many players they have left by the end of the game that aren't scheduled for surgery. Butch takes the high road and takes Wazzu to win and cover.
California at USC (-5.5)
Tommy: Ha ha! Thought you had us this year, didn't ya, Cal fans? Well, it ain't gonna happen. Anyone who gives up over 500 yards to UCLA's sorry O is doing something wrong. Oh well, maybe next year, Bears. And Still Champions-27, Best Coach Who Ever Won Nothing-17.
Butch: Jeff Tedford's magic juju bean mystique ran out in Tucson and it doesn't look good in Los Angeles either where Pete Carroll has only lost twice in November since he has been the Trojan head coach and both of those were in his first year and neither one were to Cal. Butch takes Tommy's boys of Troy to win and cover.
UCLA at Arizona State (-4)
Tommy: The Sun Devils are having another one of their usual schizophrenic seasons. Lose by 34 one week, win by 33 the next against a similar team. The Bruins pulled one out of the Beavers last week, but are still horrific offensively. The Bruins will do zippo with the pig again, and Rudy Carpenter welcomed himself back to the Pac-10 last week by crushing the Cougs. Wake me when the Bruins crack 300 yards. Another Mediocre Bowl For Us-20, We Can Still Beat SC!-9.
Butch: The home team usually wins in this series – at least as long as Koetter and Dorrell have been around. Butch takes ASU to win and cover.
Tommy's Non-Conference Noogies
Michigan at Ohio State (-6.5)
Tommy: Remember the last time a highly ranked Michigan team stormed into Columbus with championship aspirations. The Wolves aspirated as Troy Smith and Teddy Ginn buried them. Sound familiar? Back To Glendale-28, A Pasadena Consolation Prize-14.
Butch: Butch was skeptical of THE [that still cracks Butch up every time] Ohio State early on in the season before they messed with Texas – turns out he should have been skeptical of the Big 12 instead. Butch takes OSU to win and cover.
Auburn (-3) at Alabama
Tommy: Tommy knew that the Tigers would choke last week, and this week is going to hurt even more. Bama is pretty good defensively, and Auburn can't stop the run. Mike Shula finally gets it done, and the Tide fans decide not to kill him for now. Mediocrity Personified-17, We Belong In Glendale!-14.
Butch: Tommy, how do you know they haven't already offed him and replaced him with a piñata? You know how those Bama people like to stage events - Butch remains suspicious - and takes Auburn to win and cover.
Kansas State at Kansas (-2)
Tommy: Are you kidding me, Vegas? Did you happen to see KSU beat Texas? Sorry, Tommy ain't buying that one. We Own Texas-36, We Own Colorado-20.
Butch: Tommy…another Big 12 game? What the!?….zzzzzzzzz…..snort……zzzzzzz. Butch takes K-State to cover when he wakes up.
Last Week: 0-5
Noogies Overall: 15-17-1
Last Week: 2-3
Noogies Overall: 13-18.5-1*
* Butch picked Notre Dame and Michigan to lose to each other in Week Four – so the professor says he gets half credit.
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