Butch v. Tommy - Week 13

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Well, Tommy had his moment in the sun two weeks ago but Butch had to put the hammer down last week – it was a small ball peen hammer, though, because Butch likes Tommy when he is picking Notre Dame to win and they both like nog. After significantly closing the gap on getting over the .500 "Tommy Line" with a skunk two weeks ago, Tommy took a step back last week and now looks in danger of finishing below the Tommy Line for the year again. With nine games left to play in the regular season, Tommy is still three games under .500 and six games behind Butch – it doesn't look good. It looked better in the Non-Conference Noogie section last week, where Tommy went 2-1, but he is still hopelessly under .500 for the year there – having clinched that last week. Butch won't break into his celebration dance as long as Tommy is not mathematically eliminated, however, Tommy might want to consider another trip to the nog store this week.
Tommy: Well, Tommy is left to cry in his beer, but I think Butch might be more unhappy. Man, in a year where teams have got knocked on their tails because they have had to play back up QBs, Butch's team gets annihilated at home by a guy who, in the Skirted One's opinion, stinks. Nog for all in the Pacific Northwest, cause Butch will be home for the holidays. My deepest sympathies. Tommy has been getting his butt kicked all season. Off we go.
Butch: Tommy, Tommy, Tommy – just think of all the nog that can be purchased with the money saved from not going to the Armed Weapon Bowl. Nog doesn't grow on trees you know, by February, it's all gone and so are the good times until March Madness comes along – wanna talk hoops, Tommy?

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USC (-3.5) at Arizona State
Tommy: What? What is Vegas thinking? Oh yeah, they're thinking that QBs who hold on to the football too long get killed by the Trojans. (Remember Sean Canfield?) Get ready to see the Carpenter's son hit the deck about eight times, while the Trojans take care of business in the desert with a conservative offensive game plan. Good Guys-24, It's All Fun And Games Till The Good Teams Show Up-13.
Butch: Butch doesn't know what Vegas is thinking but if he thinks they're thinking what he thinks they're thinking, it's this – Dennis Erickson has something up his sleeve. Also, they might be thinking that Tommy's boys haven't covered the spread against ASU in the last two years when they had vastly superior teams, unlike this year, when they are only moderately superior. Plus that whole turkey fryer thing has people torqued off in the desert, so Butch takes ASU to cover and maybe even win.
Notre Dame at Stanford (-3.5)
Tommy: Tommy doesn't know what's crazier: Stanford being favored to win against anyone not named San Jose, or the Irish actually winning a game. Either way, it will be fun watching ND's patchwork line fail to pick up blitz after blitz while the Emu (Jimmy Clausen) gets his head buried in the sand. It won't be pretty, but it will give the Furdies a good feeling going into the alleged "Big Game" against mighty Cal. Real Academic Standards-21, You're Having A Good Time Now, But You Won't Be Laughing In 2013-17.
Butch: As Butch is to understand it, Notre Dame has such a sweet deal with the BCS Taliban that he believes all they have to do is win this game and they will be eligible for a bowl game on ESPN9. But unfortunately for them, head coach Jim Harbaugh doesn't lose to Leprechauns – he was 2-0 against them as the Michigan QB. Butch takes the Trees to win and cover.
Oregon (-2) at UCLA
Tommy: Another road favorite. This is one is in trouble though. The Bruins are good at circling the wagons at the Rose Bowl, and they have a coach to protect. Tommy watched Brady Leaf flop around for three quarters, and then thought about the beatdown some Bruin blitzing would give him. Don't look now, but an upset's a-Bruin. "I Don't Feel Like I've Got A Fair Shake, Probably Because Of My Race-21, An Injury From Greatness-17.
Butch: Hey Tommy, lookie what we have here – another Oregon-based team starting a back-up QB who is seemingly not very good on the road – Butch believes he has seen this movie before. UCLA starts a Dennis Dixon-clone in Osaar Rasshan but the Nikes defense has dealt with the real thing. Butch takes the Nikes to win and cover.
Wazzu at Washington (-5.5)
Tommy: Ah, yes, the Apple Cup. Battle for last place? Sure, why not, although Stanford would have something to say about that. This is too many points in a series that has had a ton of close games of late, and this is the swan song for Alex Brink and maybe for Bill Doba. I'll make Butchie happy and pick the Cougs in an upset. Buh-Bye Bill-33, Musharraf Suspending The Constitution and Supreme Court In Pakistan Is Ty's Fault-30.
Butch: Butch most certainly is not happy – he has not had to do this in seven years…because that is the last time Washington entered this game as the favorite. The Hussies play better at home and Wazzu plays worse on the road [0-5 so far this year] – though it's hard to imagine playing worse than they did last week at home – so Butch has to go with the numbers and take the Hussies to win and cover.
Non-conference Noogies
Alabama at Auburn (-6.5)
Tommy: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry about that. Tommy's still laughing at all those losers who drove to the airport to welcome a coach who would go on to lose to Mississippi State and Louisiana Monroe (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) in the same calendar year. $32 million indeed. The honeymoon will really be over when they lose the state's biggest game. This Game Is Why Tuberville Is Still Here-28, No Wonder You Stink, Your QB Is Sarah Jessica Parker Wilson-20.
Butch: Alabamawho against Auburndadgumit? Butch does not recognize these teams of which you speak, Tommy they must be "furriners" because their names both begin with vowels – a sure-fire sign of "furriner"-ness. Butch takes the Pig Jowls [the one ending in a consonant] over the Pig Feet [the other one] to win and cover.
Utah at BYU (-4.5)
Tommy: This game was close last year, and it will be close again. The two Utes will cover. Running Out Of Polygamy Jokes-31, Running Out Of Joe Pesci Jokes-28.
Butch: Oh, here are some teams Butch recognizes…and doesn't like. Butch will only pick BYU once a month – just like, you know, that feminine thing – and this is that time of the month. Butch takes BYU to win and cover.
Missouri vs. Kansas (-2)
Tommy: The Border War is a big game for the first time in its history. Maybe they should borrow the name of Cal and Stanford's rivalry. They won't be needing it for a while. Look for the guys led by the man who loves large velour sweaters to cover. Large And In Charge-42, This Is The Week That People Will Remember That Pinkel Sucks-31.
Butch: Butch remembers that time he was in Kansas City…no wait, he was 350 miles away from KC…well, anyway, it rained a lot that night and Butch got all wet and didn't like it - so he takes Missouri to cover.
Last Week: 1-2
Overall: 31-34
Last Week: 2-1
Overall: 37-28
Non-Conference Noogies
Last Week: 2-1
Overall: 9-16-2
Last Week: 1-2
Overall: 13-12-2
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