Butch V. Tommy - Week Five

After two weeks, the decaying stink of Week Two is all gone for Tommy. He was able to wake up, smell the coffee, smile at the fuzzy woodland critters and play "Skip To My Lou" on the xylophone with Mr. Johnson down in Dingly Dell. It was all sunshine and lollipops for Tommy and none of that nastiness from before as he went 4-0. If he was Lewis and Clark College in Portland – that would be a perfect season. Butch didn't do too bad as well – but lost his single game when Cal was unable to bring in Marshawn Lynch to block on extra points [he does everything, right?]. Let's see what is giving them those ice cream headaches this week...
Tommy: Hey, Tommy will take undefeated weeks any day of the week, but he only gained one game on Butch. Like I said, we're both geniuses. So the slow trek up the mountain begins.
Butch: Remember, that was a gift last week, Tommy. Send your cards and flowers to the California PAT special teams unit for that half-point win they gave you when you're in Berkeley in a few months, okay? This week, let's just fire up some hot chocolate and make base camp on Mt. Butch, shall we?
USC (-17) at Arizona State
Tommy: Tommy laughs in the face of Dirk Koetter. You guys allowed 525 yards to Oregon State? That's about 50 less than Portland State gave up. Wake me when a Koetter team breaks 20 against Pete Carroll. Defending Champs-56, My Kingdom For A Defense-17.
Butch: Every week, it's the same old story. Some team thinks they have the magic bean that will enable them to be the ones to take down Tommy's boys of Troy, and every week, it's another 900-point spanking back to reality. This week it is even sillier because Carroll's teams have defeated Koetter's teams by an average of 28 points in the four years they have played each other – and that includes the seasons when USC actually lost games [it's true – look it up – they did so lose games at one point in time]. So far , USC has made a mockery of Vegas lines – but 17 points? Somebody's head is going to be a high roller in Vegas next week. Butch takes Tommy's boys to try and suppress a yawn while winning and covering.
Washington at UCLA (-21)
Tommy: Maurice Drew is going for 1000 yards... this weekend against the Huskies. He only got 332 rushing yards last year against the poor little poochies, but UW's defense has regressed some this year, so I think he can get there. Is It Time To Play Cal Yet?-41, Is It Basketball Season Yet?-17.
Butch: Eyewitnesses claim – and independent reports verify - that UCLA head coach Karl Dorrell actually got excited for a few seconds after his Bruins defeated Oklahoma two weeks ago – which means he's probably already lost his upset bid of Tyrone Willingham in the Monotone Bowl, the post-game interview competition of this game. UCLA has had Washington's number [right now it's four] recently and Butch could troll out a bunch of information supporting that statement but he's too busy making doilies out of the highly coveted [The NCAA ranking of Washington's total defense – 95 out of 119] Husky defensive playbook. Butch takes UCLA to win and cover.
Arizona at California (-16)
Tommy: Sure, the Cats are 2-0 against the spread this year (and Tommy picked them both times), but it's time to get real. The Cats couldn't stop Heather Mills from rushing for over 100 yards. How are they going to stop someone that the Bears trot out there? Boy, is Stoops gonna be mad this week. Emulating Kansas State's Schedule-35, Red Faced In Tucson-10.
Butch: California head coach Jeff Tedford generally doesn't like to annihilate Pac-10 opponents at home unless they are Stanford or Washington, but he will probably make an exception in this case, like he did two years ago against Arizona. The special teams unit should get plenty of PAT practice in this one. Butch takes Cal to make all their extra points, win and cover.
WSU at Oregon State (-2.5)
Tommy: Sure, Butch's boys have been stacking up numbers against the local Pullman peewee football teams, but Tommy thinks that those 10-year-olds could probably sack Matt Moore a few times. The Cougs won't reach Louisville heights against the Dam Builders, but they'll enjoy their first win in Corvallis in a while. Bullying Defenseless Teams Like Nevada-27, Hope Moore Stays Alive This Year-24.
Butch: Tommy - you wouldn't believe what Butch saw in Corvallis this week! No, no, not a pass defense - a drunken sheep offering marijuana [and he's sure it wasn't for medicinal purposes] to a cab driver after assaulting a military guy in a bar. Man, those sheep are tough. Maybe they ought to be in the secondary. The Cougars are 4-0 in their last Pac-10 openers, so Butch takes Wazzu to win and cover.
Oregon (-6) at Stanford
Tommy: Listen, if the AFLACs can't beat Stanford by twice as many as Davis did, they should drop football. We're Not As Bad As SC Made Us Look-27, We Are As Bad As Davis Made Us Look-14.
Butch: This is a tough one. On one hand, the Trees had an extra week to ponder that eternal question – "What the hell happened?!" – while, well, oddly enough, the Highlighters were pondering the very same thing. In Oregon's case it was called USC [and one bad ref call, if you listen to the coaching staff] and in Stanford's case it was called, um, not studying for your pop quiz. And not bringing your pencil. And having a gigantic cold sore on your lip. They're just lucky it wasn't televised like Oregon's embarrassment was. Butch takes Oregon to win and cover.
Last Week: 4-0
Overall: 14-10-1
Last Week: 3-1
Overall: 16-8-1
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