Butch v. Tommy - Week One

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Welcome to the annual Tommy Slap-o-rama where Butch tries to once again educate Tommy by using the time-tested teaching method of frequent repression. In this case, observe in 2007 how Butch will slap down Tommy yet again – this time, having been bored with previous straightforward slapdowns, Butch thinks he will use the vaunted DeLorean gambit. The last time Tommy beat Butch, gasoline was less than $2 and cheese had not even been invented yet – nor for that matter, had cows. The carnage has been that complete. Now, granted, neither Tommy nor Butch were exactly world-beaters last year – with neither one above .500 – but Tommy has not seen the sunny side of the equator since, well, you know, the cow thing. At least Butch was above .500 two years ago and he was only one game removed from it last year after Tommy tried to distract him with those silly non-conference noogie games that nobody cares about until November. The reason Tommy is so far removed from reality is because he relocated to the Midwest and he gets his advice from the advertising world. How many times has Butch told you Tommy – don't listen to those gecko or caveman voices in your head and everything will be all….right…just…relax…and…have…another….beer…and…another…and…one more…okay, now pick!
Tommy: Ah, yes, back again for another lovely season of picks. Butchie got Tommy again last year, but neither the Furry Guy with the Cranberry Shirt and No Pants nor the Skirted One had a good year when it came to picking against the number. Somewhere, Jimmy the Greek was smiling and saying that "black people are bred for competition" and "Tommy and Butch suck." Oh, well, the new season calls for a celebration. Time to load up the chariot and head out to the "gentleman's club" next weekend, because they have free lunches and lots of TVs. RIIIIIGHT! Hey Butch, any clubs like that in Pullman? Oh, yeah, almost forgot who your previous coach was.
Butch: Getting a jump on nog season are we, Tommy? Tommy is already scared of Butch because his little non-conference noogie mad-scientist experiment didn't work last year [after getting beat in Pac-10 games the previous year, that was the ploy Tommy employed last year to try and show his superiority outside of the conference – like any other conference really matters than the conference of champions, but…whatever] and now he has abandoned it in true Trojan fashion. In fact, Butch is not even sure he can call Tommy a Trojan any longer – he has spent so much time in Big Ten country where they are haunted by identity issues and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge they are the Big 11, that Butch thinks his brain may be permanently addled. Once that happens, it is all downhill to the chocolate pudding, Tommy – ready for hoop season yet?
Utah at Oregon State (-7)
Tommy: Pity the Utes. The Beavos are pretty tough on teams who come into Rodent, I mean, Reser Stadium from out of conference. They are feared by teams like Eastern Kentucky, UNLV, Sacramento State, Eastern Washington, and Idaho. Still, they did beat Boise there twice during the Broncos recent run. Being from Utah, I'm not sure the Utes want OSU to show them their Beavers, but Riley will oblige anyway to cover. We Own Mid-majors At Home-31, We're Not The Mormons, Tommy-21.
Butch: Butch thinks Oregon State will be good – eventually – but not at the beginning. Fer cryin' in the mud, head coach Mike Riley can't even decide which quarterback to start – never mind worrying about whether Sammie Stroughter will be there. OSU will win but Utah will take advantage of the early OSU question marks, so Butch takes the Utes to cover.
Washington (-3) at Syracuse
Tommy: Huh???!!! The Pups are favored on the road. That hasn't happened since Bush was popular. Yeah, the Cuse blows, but has Vegas been watching how much better they are at home? Have they been watching how the Huskies open up seasons, losing four of their last five and barely beating San Jose last year? Fear the Orange, who pull the upset. Giant Fruit Mascot-17, We Like Dogs, So Let's Wear Purple-14.
Butch: Wait – Bush was popular, Tommy? You mean, like in a Comedy Central kinda way? Anyhoo – we hear ya about that home thing and they play well early. The Hussies are only 3-7 on the road under Willie and that includes last year's magnanimous Apple Cup gift from Wazzu. Butch takes the big, bad Orange to win and cover.
Houston at Oregon (-15)
Tommy: Hmmmmm! Tommy doesn't like this one much. Knight's Millionaires have been inconsistent at home against the lesser teams, and the Cougs are predicted to win Conference USA. Dude, it's still Conference USA, and even on the road a couple of years ago, the Ducks took care of business against the spread vs. UH. Tommy holds his nose, swallows the castor oil, and takes the Quackers. Our Professors Are Dorks Who Hate Football And America-38, Ours Probably Pay The Players, After All, This Is Texas-20.
Butch: Even though Butch has 100 million reasons to take Houston, the last time Butch took those fake Cougars from Houston against Oregon, it came back to bite him in the butt. Never again – fake Cougars are no-good! Besides, the fake Cougars have played Rice in four of the last five openers and that is hardly something to be proud of. Butch takes Oregon to win and cover.
Wazzu at Wisconsin (-14)
Tommy: Tommy is tempted to back Butch's boys, but last year's Auburn blasting still has Tommy feeling like the one night stand girl who was expecting a call the next day. Plus the non-USC members of the conference have struggled on the road against the elites. WSU-Auburn. UW-Oklahoma. Arizona-LSU. Cal-Tennessee. Stanford-San Jose State. Well, they're elite for Stanford. Tommy drinks the Wisky. Evil Skunk Like Creatures Who Own Bruins-28, Doba's Rear Is Hot, And He Hasn't Been Working Out-10.
Butch: Wazzu has got Bucky beat in cheese – curds down – but they are in a little trouble in the football department. For one thing, head coach Bret Bielema has yet to lose at home [7-0] and they are 5-2 ATS and they have won those games by an average of 36-11. All that plus they have giant monkey-headed badgers at their beck and call to terrorize the innocent populace. Butch takes Cougar Gold to win the cheese championship and Bucky to win and cover the football game – you decide which is more important.
UCLA (-16.5) at Stanford
Tommy: Oh, this is oh so tempting. The Baby Bears have had some nightmares in Palo Alto, and as God is Tommy's witness, that offense is going to stink again with that statue of a QB back there. But, man do the Trees stink? I think they should send the band out on the field against Cal this year. They might have a better chance of winning. Disappointment In The Making-27, Talk Doesn't Create Talent, Jimmy-3.
Butch: Stanford has scored 27 points in three years against UCLA – all in the 2005 game. Butch is sure – well, he is pretty sure – they will not get skunked again this year, but it might be close. Butch UCLA to win and cover.
Arizona at BYU (-5)
Tommy: The Air Raid offense invades Tucson!!!! Funny, I thought those sirens were just the cops coming to get Louis Holmes. The Cats took care of business last year against the devout ones, but it's a difference story in Provo. I like the teenage head coach's chances this year against ol' heart attack waiting to happen Mike, but methinks it will be too close to call, just like last year. Big Love Without Bill Paxton And Chicks-17, Damn, Mike's Mad Again-14.
Butch: Arizona was lucky to get the win against BYU last year and Bronco Mendenhall is 9-3 at home including a perfect 6-0 last year [5-1 ATS] while the Wildcats have only 12 wins overall – three of them against schools formerly known as Division I-AA – under Stoops. Needless to say, Butch takes BYU to win and cover.
Tennessee at California (-5.5)
Tommy: Vegas must have forgotten the beatdown that the Bears took last year, but they also remember how much better Cal is at home, especially in non-conference play. Lack of pass rush is going to cook the Vols, as will a young secondary. This Is Our Domicile-28, The Still Put Corn In A Jar-20.
Butch: This is one of those games that is part of the one-game-past-the-Mississippi-River-every-10-years SEC plan that Tennessee dutifully follows [last time was in 1997 against UCLA] – and they didn't cover the spread then either. Butch takes the Fightin' Tedfords to win and cover.
San Jose State at Arizona State (-15)
Tommy: This is a lot of points against a team that won a bowl game and beat a Pac-10 team last year, plus has Dick Tomey at the helm. Still, I think ol' Alky, I mean Dennis, has something waiting for the Spartans come September 1st. If he's known for anything, it's the quick turnaround. New Attitude-42, The Pac-10 Team Was Stanford, So It Doesn't Count-23.
Butch: The secret is out – Tomey knows how to coach – quick! Somebody send a memo to Livengood in Tucson [where Tomey was 95-64-4 but, you know, that doesn't stack up against Stoops' 12-22]! Tomey doesn't like ASU and he's got something waiting for them and their defensive line constructed of bits of string and cardboard. Butch takes all 15 points and the Spartans to cover.
Idaho at USC (-45)
Tommy: Yeah, you read that right. And yeah, they're going to cover it. Good Guys-70, We Thought Erickson Would Stay To Lead Us To The National Title-10.
Butch: Spuds will be mashed – but Butch still can't believe Tommy is going to concede 10 points being scored on the Trojans' 19th-string defensive unit. Butch Tommy's boys of Troy to win and cover.
Last Year: 30-36-2
Last Year: 32-34-2
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