Butch v. Tommy - Week Three

The general response to Week Two - well, that should have been Weak Two - of the annual Butch v. Tommy collegiate football hootenanny was - "Did anyone get the license plate of the truck that hit us!?" The truck not only hit Butch and Tommy, it then backed up and rolled over them a few more times just to make sure they were good and flat. In Tommy's case, the truck waited until the last game of the night before it allowed him a sliver of life in the Oregon State-UNLV game. For Butch, the truck was only slightly less merciless, allowing him wins in the Oregon/Purdue and Ohio State/USC games. Big party streamers and piñatas were purchased in honor of this prestigious "achievement". The rest of the games were just too ugly to look at - Stanford/Wake Forest? - dual personality special, looked good at the beginning, ugly at the end. Idaho/Washington? - vomit-inducing. UCLA/Tennessee? Headache-inducing. Hawai'i/Wazzu? Is there a word in the English language for this one? Neither Butch nor Tommy could locate one. Butch did gain one game on Tommy and now the two are lamely tied with each other down in the gutter well below the .500 Tommy Line. Thanks for dragging Butch down to your level, Tommy.
Tommy: Wow, Tommy's rectum still hurts from pooping the bed last weekend. Oregon State's typical non-conference road stinker saved the Skirted One from an 0-fer. Thankfully, Butch hopped on the short bus with me for a week and only made up one game, which leaves us both tied at a level of embarrassment. Well...unless you add the teams that we root for, which gives Butch a clear lead in that category. Well, Tommy took some Pepto Bismol and will try not to defecate in his sleeping quarters this week.
Butch: Butch is not sure he and Tommy can show our faces in public…oh, wait…we do not do that anyway, so it looks like we are in the clear with our horrid picks and can blame them on our choice of the following - a] a faceless, heartless corporation, b] the BCS Taliban [always an easy target], c] the gub'ment [another easy target, especially for hillbillies], d] Kanye West or e] all of the above plus Bernie Madoff.
California (-14) at Minnesota
Tommy: The Golden Bears have rolled up some big scores so far this year, but Maryland nearly lost to James Madison, and Eastern Washington is...well...Eastern Washington. The Bears have not been as horrendous in non-conference road games as the Beavs, but they've been close. Keep and eye on another early start time, which plagued Tedford's crew last year in an embarrassing loss to Maryland. This Time We're Showing Up Thursday-31, A Bucktoothed Freak Gets Us Motivated-21.
Butch: Well, the last time they were double digit favorites against the Fearful Turtles, the Fighting Tedfords covered the spread, did they not, Tommy? Butch thinks that the extra day to get used to Minneapolis mosquitos is a wise move that will pay off in yet another double digit win and cover. Butch takes the Tedfords to win and cover.
Utah at Oregon (-4)
Tommy: The SchNikes haven't done anything to make me think they're very good, but they also haven't struggled against Utah State and San Jose State like the Two Utes have. Four points ain't a lot, so Tommy, inspired by LeGarrette Blount will take the Quackers by way of a fourth round TKO. (That joke will never get old, at least to me.) Taunt Me And I'll Sucker Punch You-36, What A Difference A Year Makes-22.
Butch: Blount was so miffed about Taylor Swift getting that video music award that he caught the red eye to New York City and punched her, then came back so he could be at the Nikes practice as, you know, part of the team [wink, wink]. Tommy is being kind because the Nikes have never [as in, ever] done anything to make Butch think they are very good at anything other than self-flagellating promotion. Butch takes Utah to win and cover.
USC (-20.5) at Washington
Tommy: I know the Huskies have a horrendous defense, but they're a better football team, and if Tommy has learned anything about the Trojans in the Pete Carroll era, it's that the first conference road game has been a spread disaster. USC is 2-6 ATS in games of that nature, and they were losing at halftime of one of the games that they covered. Tommy loves his Trojans, but you've gotta go with the trend. Good Guys-28, Thanks For Letting Frigging Idaho Get a Backdoor Cover-17.
Butch: How many times can Butch recite the occasions where Tommy has made up this excuse or that excuse for why he does not have faith in his own team and Butch does? Millions, no, kabillions! If that vaunted USC defense allows Washington to score a touchdown, then we will know what a bunch of girly men they really are, right, Tommy? After all, mighty, powerful LSU of the mighty, powerful SEC only allowed them one touchdown until they suddenly lost interest in playing in the late fourth quarter. Since Butch will presume that USC's defense is better than LSU's, he gazes into his crystal ball and sees nothing but single digits in the Hussies' future. Butch takes Tommy's boys of Troy to win and cover even if Tommy is a frightened little bunny and will not.
Arizona at Iowa (-5.5)
Tommy: Mike Stoops=Mike Riley on the road out of conference, except Riley is a nice guy, and Stoops is a raving madman. The Kitties have been embarrassed in Albuquerque, Provo, and Baton Rouge, so why would it be any different in Iowa City, especially with an offense that definitely misses Willie Tuitama? Look for an Angry Guy in Blue and Red this weekend. Obama's Homies-28, McCain's Buddies-10.
Butch: Butch absolutely hates taking anyone from the Big 11 conference to do anything but crawl under a rock, but in this case, Tommy has a good point - Stoops is a raving lunatic who will never lead the Mildcats to the Rose Bowl. Butch takes the Hawkeyes to win and cover.
SMU (-7) at Wazzu
Tommy: A mere seven years ago, the Cougs won the Pac-10 and went to the Rose Bowl. A mere six years ago, they walloped a Top-Five Texas team [with a young Vince Young at quarterback] in San Diego to cap a 10-win season. A mere three years ago, they were a .500 football team that beat a ranked Oregon team, gave SC everything they could handle, and only missed a bowl thanks to a November tail spin. Now they're seven point underdogs at home against SMU? WOW! You know what's worse? After last week's pity party, Tommy is through feeling sorry, and picks the Mustangs to cover. The Death Penalty Is Popular In Texas-38, Did The NCAA Give The Cougs The Death Penalty And Forget To Announce It?-21.
Butch: Well, this game will represent the last time Butch will take the Cougars to win a football game in 2009 if they do not put up a better showing than that chunk of detritus last week. Butch takes Wazzu to win and cover - possibly for the last time this year - depends on how the Cougs play in this game.
Cincinnati at Oregon State (-1)
Tommy: The Bearcats are flying high and have scored a ton of points, including in a roadie against Rutgers. But as bad the mighty Beav is on the road in September, he is just as good at home in the month. Look for a defensive struggle to end with one more feather in the cap of the Pac-10. And all we had to do was get rid of Tom Hanson. Our Stadium Has Expanded, We Hold Almost As Much As An MLS Game-17, Too Close To Kentucky To Be Cool-14.
Butch: Tommy is sold on the Rodents because they keep beating his boys of Troy into submission, so now he curls up into the fetal position whenever Oregon State is mentioned. Butch is not afraid of Rodents nor of picking against them in that scary Potato Salad Stadium…ooooh, scary, Tommy. Butch takes Cincy to win and cover.
San Jose State at Stanford (-17.5)
Tommy: The Cardinal choked away a golden opportunity against Wake Forest last week, and did have to come from behind last season to beat the Spartans. But Tommy thinks this Stanford team is ready to take the next step to respectability, and will start this week by making Tommy look smart when the Trees cover against the almighty Spartans. Harbaugh Wipes His Tail With Fifty Dollar Bills-34, Hey Tomey, Still Think That SC OL Is The Best Ever?-10.
Butch: Butch likes the Trees in this one because he was thoroughly unimpressed with the Spartans' run defense and what they are going to see on Saturday is a steady diet of Toby Gerhart. Butch takes the Trees to win and cover.
UL-Monroe at Arizona State (-19)
Tommy: MMMMMM, another cupcake for the Devils. Better enjoy it now. Bulldogs don't go down so easy, even with milk.
The Kings Of Non-Conference Cake-35, We May Be Toothless Drunken Idiots, But At Least We're Not LSU-13.
Butch: Blount was so angry about ASU's weenie pastry-laden schedule that he came down and punched the Sun Devils' athletic director, then he punched their schedule. Butch cannot believe UL-Monroe is a Division I team and takes the Sun Devils to win and cover.
Kansas State at UCLA (-12)
Tommy: The Bruins did as little as you can possibly do last weekend to win a game. The Vols have been in a giving mood the last two seasons, despite Norm Chow being completely out-coached. Still, the Mildcats are back to their pre-Bill Snyder days, losing last Saturday to...Lousiana? The Powder Blue Wusses tend to cover at home against OOC foes, and my guess is they do it again against this woeful group from the Little Apple, even with Kevin Craft at QB. Back To The Pinnacle, Baby-24, Back To The Tradition Of Sucking-7.
Butch: Butch senses a letdown [well, four Bruin players already beat Butch and Blount to the punch and let their team down before the game even began and got themselves suspended] against K-State and if the Bruins can allow 14 points to SDSU, they can allow K-state to stay within 12. Butch takes K-State to cover.
Non-conference Noogies
Michigan State at Notre Dame (-10.5)
Tommy: Butch's favorite squad makes another noogie appearance at the behest of Tommy. (Irritated yet, Furry One?) The Choking Irish did cough another one up last week, and have not beaten Sparty at home since 1999. This year it ends because Sparty can't even beat the mighty Chippewas at home. The Irish go bombs away and cover.
Waiting For Butch In San Antonio-38, Same Ol' Mediocre Sparty-17.
Butch: Butch was irritated when the Notre Dame hype was created by Orville Redenbacher - well, that is what it seems like, it never dies. Tie.
Texas Tech at Texas (-17)
Tommy: All you need to know here is that the Red Raiders are on the road against a good team. That means they get smoked. An Undefeated Horns Team Could Get Shut Out Of Pasadena-45, Mike Leach Is Still an A-hole-21.
Butch: Yeah, another win for Texas and the crappy BCS Taliban system - woo-hoo. Butch takes Texas to win and cover.
Florida State at BYU (-7)
Tommy: This is a sucker bet. The Noles needed two TDs in the last 30 seconds to beat Jacksonville State. They're going to take a beating. We Cost Bradford Millions-31, Glory Days, Hey, They Pass You By-13.
Butch: No kidding, Butch is with you on this one, Tommy. Butch takes the Mormons to win and cover.
Last Week: 1-6
Overall: 5-9
Last Week: 2-5
Overall: 5-9
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Summer is almost over…and you know what that means…It's time for a whole new season of Cougar Athletics! Football, soccer, volleyball, men's & women's basketball, baseball, track & field and tennis, just to name a few, are coming up right around the corner. If you need "game action" photographs for your newspaper, magazine, web site, blog, etc., then Greg Davis Sports Photography should be your choice for all things "Cougar" and "Pac-10 Conference"! Coverage for specific athletes or upcoming events is also available. Check out the images from games, practices and events from last season, and be sure to come back often for uploads from all of this season's action.