Talk about your classic bad dreams. Tommy went to sleep last Friday and woke up to the Nightmare on Zero Street. Butch won't pat himself on the back too hard – he might break his arm, besides, what goes around comes around – but he thinks Tommy is wide awake now. Let's see what the margarine inspectors have to say this week...
Tommy: Wow, I feel a little woozy, kind of like Kobe Bryant in a Sacramento hotel. What in the wide world of sports happened last week? Tommy hasn't got kicked in the nuts this hard since his wife found out that he had rented out our house to shoot an adult film. Oh wait, that was Homer Simpson. See, I'm not of sound mind. Here's hoping the medicinal marijuana helps this week.
Butch: Acid last week and more pharmaceuticals this week? Good thing there's no lined Stanford game this week. Okay Tommy, put down the medicinal bong and tell Butch how many fingers? Now, Tommy – what kind of explanation is that - blaming the innocent snack food industry for your misfortunes? Oh…you mean those nuts. Never mind.
Oregon State at Louisville (-13.5)
Tommy: I like Beavers just as much as the next guy, but sometimes they get a little stinky away from home. Remember last year's Boise game? I see a similar outcome in the future. Or maybe my "medicine" is making me see things. We Own UK-34, Matt Moore Says OUCH!-17.
Butch: Hey Tommy – that stuff really works! Either that or Butch is getting some second-hand kickbacks because Butch sees exactly the same thing – only he saw this year's Boise game. Butch takes Louisville to win and cover.
Oklahoma at UCLA (-7)
Tommy: That's right. My favorite team in the entire Pac-10 is back to dominating like we've never seen before. They're ready to face another cupcake, a joke of a Sooner team that scores less than that 40 year old virgin dude in the movie. Optimism abounds in Westwood, and shouldn't it after huge wins over SDSU and Rice. We Love Pastry-30, USC Destroyed Our Program-13.
Butch: That's it! Order some of that medicinal wonder weed for Butch – he's speaking in tongues with Tommy! The Sooners out of the Top 25 before September is up? Just think how broken up the rest of the nation – and Texas – will be. Butch takes UCLA to win and cover.
Idaho at Washington (-13)
Tommy: Well, Tommy has already gone with the Huskies twice, and he's learned his lesson. You'd think it would be obvious to abandon a team that is 2-11 against the spread in its last 13. Wow, this medicine is really helping. Can't Even Look Past Idaho-27, We Almost Beat UNLV-20.
Butch: Now Butch has the munchies. Tommy, dude, go to the store and get us some potato chips in honor of this game. The Hussies haven't scored over 17 points in a game yet and they lost their first conference game ["Darn, there goes the national championship and the conference championship!"] but they might against Idaho. Maybe. Butch takes Idaho to go, go, go and cover.
Illinois at California (-21.5)
Tommy: As someone who currently lives in the state where we vote early and often, let me tell you about the fever pitch that the Illini have inspired. I mean you see orange T-shirts everywhere! People are really excited. Sure, the championship game against UNC was disappointing, but Dee Brown is back, and the Illini are looking to go back to the Final Four. Oh, wait, you wanted to talk about Illinois football. Nobody cares here. People would rather talk about the sorry Cubs. Tedford Mania-42, Who's Ron Zook?-16.
Butch: Uh-oh. Cancel that order. Butch knew it was too good to be true. Let's review, shall we, who the Bears have beaten back with a stick so far? Sacramento State and Washington. Okay, recess is over! The Illini will lose to Cal, sure, but they will give them a closer game than the Bears' first two pre-school opponents. Butch takes all those 21.5 points and Illinois to cover.
Fresno State at Oregon (-3)
Tommy: Time for the invasion of the rednecks to Eugene. As if they didn't have enough already. These two cow towns don't like each other very much. It's kind of like the Hatfields and the McCoys, except the McCoys don't have Game Cubes in their lockers. What was I saying? McCoys Love Video Games-35, Very Calm Fans From Fresno-28.
Butch: Okay – into rehab with you, Tommy. This will be the first real Division I team the Quacks have faced this year [Everybody thinking Houston was a real Division I team don't bother raising your hands – Butch knows you're just scratching an itch]. Call Pat Hill a lot of things – and both Butch and Tommy do – but he ain't a'fear'd of no rubber duckies. Butch picks FSU to cover.
Purdue (-8) at Arizona
Tommy: Time for another Big Ten floppo on the West Coast. The Lunatic has whipped his ball club into a frenzy, and they're ready to take on Joe "Mr. Happy" Tiller and the Boilers. The Kansas City Royals don't lose as much out West as the Big Ten does. Mike Already Has A Better Team Than His Brother-33, Losers On The West Coast-30.
Butch: C'mon Tommy – you're harshing Butch's mellow! You really are smoking some wacky Buddha if you think Arizona is going to score 33 points on Purdue. Where are those points coming from when they only scored 31 on Division I-AA powerhouse Northern Arizona – Surly Head Coach Elf Land? Oh, that's right – they were hiding the playbook against the Lumberjacks. Well, they've kept it hidden from their own offense too. Butch takes Purdue to win and cover.
Northwestern at Arizona State (-14.5)
Tommy: There is no doubt that Dirk Koetter and the Sun Devils will cover in this game because it is not a big game or a rivalry game. Nobody, and I mean nobody, performs better without the spotlight than Dirk Koetter. Not Ready For The Big Time-45, More Excitement For Illinois Citizens-24.
Butch: Okay, that's better, Tommy. Butch sees your road to recovery opening up before him like a two-lane blacktop in the middle of an Illinois corn field. The Sun Satans are a little banged up after tusslin' with some Tigers, but Northwestern's Wildcats are de-clawed. Butch takes ASU to win and cover.
Arkansas at USC (-31)
Tommy: The Hogs lost to Vandy at home. No more analysis needed. Defending Champs-49, We Hate Houston Nutt Club-10.
Butch: Wow, Tommy – your boys of Troy are going to allow 10 points to be scored upon them at home by a bunch of swine? That's awfully generous. Butch takes Tommy's boys to win and cover.
Last Week: 0-6 [wince]
Last Week: 4-2
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