Butch V. Tommy - Week Two

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Another week, another diatribe from Tommy on how the ozone hole in the atmosphere, a piece of gum stuck to his shoe or a swarm of locusts evidently caused him to miss the boat on so many Pac-10 games. Butch even gave him a gift pick of the upset special in the Arkansas game and Tommy still could not get over the .500 hump or past Butch. Butch is trying his best to keep this close, wanna play ball on this Tommy? This week, Tommy does not have a Trojan gift horse to look him in the mouth so we will see if that ozone hole closes up any. This week's high-falutin' fickle football follies…
Tommy: Well, not an impressive first week, although it depends on how you look at it. Believe it or not, Tommy went 32-9-2 against the spread this week, only to have most of those losses come in this foray with Butch. Time to get the ones that count.
Butch: Ah, the time-honored tradition of circumlocution. Butch can talk around a subject with the best of 'em but the ones that count are the ones that occur on this planet Tommy.
Oregon State at Boise State (-8)
Tommy: You can set your watch to it. The Beavs stink on the road in non-conference games. In the last five years, they are 2-5 against the number in those contests, and the Broncos destroyed them in 2004 on the Blue Turf. Ready for a sequel? If You Coach Here, Don't Leave-41, Bring Back That Alky Coach E-24.
Butch: Good thing Mike Riley agreed to play on the blue rug because Oregon State is the only Pac-10 team that the Boise Truck Driving Academy can beat – like a toothless rodent. Butch takes the Truck Drivers to win and cover.
Rice at UCLA (-27)
Tommy: The Owls gave Houston all they could handle, but come on. These are the mighty Bruins! Ben Olson is the best QB in history! Emotions are high in Westwood, so it will be funny when they come crashing down around, say, the middle of October. Until then, the gutties will enjoy a cush schedule early. Enjoy It While It Lasts-42, A-Ronis-12.
Butch: Rice was boiled and bagged in Pasadena last year. This year, with a new coach in charge of the spatula, they will only be boiled. Butch takes Rice [and a nice BBQ pork side dish, please] to cover.
Washington at Oklahoma (-17)
Tommy: Sure, OU's offense is gawd awful without a decent QB, and they have struggled early in the season the last two years, but did I mention that the Huskies suck? Mediocre-31, Terrible-9.
Butch: Oklahoma had trouble with UAB last week [and it wasn't because they wouldn't let 'em have a trade-in on that lemon Bomar sold 'em last month]. Washington is no UAB. Butch takes the Sooners to win and cover in a snoozerama.
Stanford (-10.5) at San Jose State
Tommy: Sure, the Cardinal blow, but they aren't Husky bad. They'll get manhandled by UC Davis from time to time, but they last three times they faced the Spartans, they won by 40, 21, and 37. All three of those wins came under Buddy Teevens. If I recall correctly, those are the only three games he won. Did We Just Get Mauled By Ducks-37, Boy, Do The Huskies Stink-20.
Butch: Yeah, but Tommy did you happen to break out of your ozone haze long enough to notice that none of those games came while Dick Tomey has been the coach? The Trees fell in an Oregon forest last week and nobody heard it. This week, it's a Silicon Forest and everybody is still deaf. Butch takes the Trees to win but SJSU to cover.
Arizona at LSU (-15)
Tommy: The first week gave us no indication that this is possible, but I think the Cats have a shot in this one. The Cajuns haven't exactly destroyed the Pac-10 the last two years, and Tommy thinks that bad offense will make an appearance in Baton Rouge. Let's not go crazy and say that Mike Stoops will spit and curse his way to a victory, but he just might have just enough of a redass to cover the spread. Why Doesn't Anyone Remember The BCS Champs of 2003?-24, Our Coach Is Crazy And So Are We-14.
Butch: What a coincidence – Butch thinks that bad offense will make an appearance too! Only it will be the same one that made an appearance in Tucson last week. Arizona could barely hold off BYU – a team that has never beaten a non-con Division I team under Bronco Mendenhall – and the Tigers have cousins with more teeth than points the Wildcat offense is going to have this weekend. Butch takes LSU to win and cover.
Idaho at WSU (-17)
Tommy: Reunited and it feels so good! Dennis Erickson decided to leave the 49ers because he saw on the horizon a better job, and now he has it. Hey, I'd rather waste my life away in the boonies than work for John York any day. Tommy looks for the crowd to overreact by looking at the Vandals relatively close loss to mighty MSU, but the Cougs are psyched for rivalry games, and nothing is bigger than beating Idaho and UW. Did You Get The Names Of Those Tigers That Mauled Us-36, Coach E Would Like A Drink-17.
Butch: Butch's Cougs got into a bad batch of grits last week and paid for it in the fourth quarter against Auburn. This week it's back to lentils and wheat, but Bill Doba is only 3-10 as the home favorite – one of the worst records in the country. If the Cougars don't cover this paltry line, it's going to be a longer season than a Mississippi mullet. Butch takes Wazzu to win and cover.
Minnesota at California (-8.5)
Tommy: Boy, were the Bears stinky at Rocky Top. Looks like they got a hold of the moonshine before the game. You know it's going poorly when the Cal fans are screaming "PUT IN AYOOB!" Cal will bounce back with an easy win this week against a poor defensive Gopher team, but it's too late. They've already disgraced their families. Laughingstock Of The World-38, Buck-Toothed Fools-20.
Butch: Minnesota knows how to run the ball – they ran it 55 times last week – and this week is no different than any of the 52 before it to head coach Glen Mason. So the Gophers will run their little rodent legs down to the nub, then Tedford will crush them like he has done to all Big 11 teams that come within three yards of him and the Bears. Butch takes Cal to win and cover.
Oregon (-4.5) at Fresno State
Tommy: The Rednecks have been tough on non-conference teams at home, but I'm not sold on them this time. They'll be sky high when they face the Diamond Deckers, but the Ducks are not the Washingtons and KSUs that the Dogs beat on in the past. I like Oregon in this one. We Want The Sooners (Again)-35, Someday We'll Win The WAC-28.
Butch: Why is Oregon going to Fresno? To count the hairs in Pat Hill's mustache? Perhaps they haven't been spit upon or cracked on the head with a whiskey bottle lately? Running low on raisin wine? Otherwise – bad idea. Butch takes the Valley vultures to cover.
Nevada at Arizona State (-15)
Tommy: It's a good thing that the Sun Devils didn't go to Tennessee. They weren't exactly awe inspiring against mighty nationally ranked NAU. Tommy has a hunch though that the Scum Devils will fix their problems though this week. Who knows why. It won't be because Dirk Koetter is a good coach, that's for sure. Poorly Coached Team-38, Under-Talented Team-16.
Butch: Let's see….should we run or pass on this play? Better ask Rudy. Don't sweat it, Dirk, it's Nevada – they're 7-49-4 against the Pac-10 schools. Butch takes ASU to win and cover.
Tommy's Non-Conference Noogies
Penn State at Notre Dame (-8)
Tommy: Tommy didn't like the Irish to cover last week, but he does this week. It's time for the Domer fans, who have been engulfed by the hype machine, to shower their boys with adulation. Meanwhile, the Nittany Dudes couldn't run the ball against Akron, which is not a good sign. The Irish cruise. Charlie Doesn't Want To Hear About 617 Yards Again-28, Back To Mediocrity-17.
Butch: What is JoePa – about 273 years old? He ought to know a thing or two about big games by now. Butch takes the Nitts to cover.
Georgia (-3) at South Carolina
Tommy: Joe Tereshinski is going to start at QB for the Bulldogs. That's all you need to know. UGA found it hard to score against the Gamecocks the last few years when they had DJ Shockley and David Greene at the helm. Imagine how tough it will be with an incompetent QB who can't succeed against Western Kentucky. Visor Man-17, Richt Loves Jesus-14.
Butch: Joe Terrahooeywhatty? Steve Spurrier – defensive genius – proprietor of "the other USC" [you know, Tommy, the fun one], will have his way with another set of Bulldogs [they are not very imaginative with the nicknames down in the South after the moonshine kicks in]. Butch takes the good, nice, friendly USC to cover.
Ohio State at Texas (-2.5)
Tommy: Tommy went into last week thinking that the Buckeyes were going to spank the Horns. Then he saw Garrett Wolfe run like Barry Sanders against the Nuts. Imagine what a team with a good line will do. Defending Champs-31, Bridesmaids Again-24.
Butch: Butch notices Tommy sure is doing a lot of imagining these days but THE Ohio State Jethros will go down THE toilet in Texas by even more than Tommy can imagine. Butch takes Texas to two-step on THE Jethros and cover.
Last Week: 3-4
Overall: 3-4
Noogies: 2-1
Noogies Overall: 2-1
Last Week: 4-3
Overall: 4-3
Noogies: 2-1
Noogies Overall: 2-1
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