football Edit

The Cougar Lounge - Pin Stripe Dickies

"I'd rather see them take away a little halftime or, and I probably shouldn't say this, take away one of those TV timeouts if they want to shorten the game."
- Former Notre Dame head coach and now TV commentator, Bob Davie, speaking about the NCAA's new rules. Halftime – nah. But TV timeouts? Not only does the Lounge believe you should say it, Bob, but you should also scream it out at the top of your lungs off every roof and mountain top you get near in the next year.
"It's like having someone hand you $5 million. A female touches 10-10, you think it's just a number, unless you look at a basketball rim and say, 'That's 10 feet.'"
- Arizona head volleyball coach Dave Rubio, counting his millions with 6-3 freshman Whitney Dosty, who can reportedly can touch a 10-foot, 10-inch mark from a standing jump.
"You are all nerds!"
- Jason Jones - a correspondent from Comedy Central's Daily Show - giving his assessment of the contestants as a judge at an air guitar contest.
It was neither the heat nor the humidity. In the Lounge, it is always the insanity. The college football season finally began last week and that just gave the clientele a convenient excuse to act crazy. The majority of the clientele was gearing up for the season last week when a renegade band of scientists threw them a curve ball and kicked Pluto out of the planet club. At the time, the Lounge exercised good judgment and only called them a few names in the book [as opposed to every name] - but it temporarily threw our joint out of orbit. The dissing of Pluto overshadowed the Lounge Scientists from touting a real discovery – especially with the onset of college football season - the World's Cleanest Porta-Potty. Unfortunately, the WCPP is located on Whidbey Island in Washington – far away from most college football games [although women of the Lounge assure us that a clean porta potty is never too far for them]. A recent demographic listed Cougar fans and well-wishers as a loyal bunch and 86% say they would be eternally grateful to encounter a clean porta-potty three hours after the first home college football game of the season has begun [of course, 55% also claim they saw a wombat playing a tuba in their dreams once, but that is a statistical anomaly].
Just before the college football season began, the SS Minnow from Gilligan's Island was sold – talk about perfect timing! The Lounge clientele symbolically embark on three hour tours every Saturday and if not for the courage of the fearless clientele crew, the Cougars would certainly be lost. It turns out the boat was only one of four used on the show but we are certain it was the one with the best looking hole in it while it rested on the beach next to the rock. Then, as if that was not spooky enough timing, there are M&M's. First, the Lounge is informed that there is a new size of M&M called the "Mega M" – which is 55% larger than their little cousin M's. Shortly after that came the announcement that Mars, the parent company of M&M's would offer a two million dark chocolate M&M's for the return of "The Scream" a famous painting by Edvard Munch that was stolen from an art museum in Oslo two years ago. Sure enough, a few days later, the painting was recovered – coincidence? Lincoln? Kennedy? Michael Jackson?
Seeing as it is based in Bristol, there was no coincidence in the recent announcement by ESPN that they would be the sole carrier of all Big East scrimmages through 2013 – because nothing gets the blood boiling like a Connecticut football scrimmage – but CSTV did them one better by cutting a broadband service deal with schools – including Wazzu - representing a slightly wider range of the country. The 100-channel broadband network, named CSTV XXL, will provide webcasts of live events that would not otherwise be televised by ABC, ESPN or Fox. Individual schools will have the flexibility to charge for access to their individual channels but Notre Dame has already indicated their site will be free.
"Why didn't they keep Rogers in there while he had the hot hand?!" asks a perplexed Kent Renton, for whom it is the heat not so much as the humidity.
That is the million dollar [or five mil, if you are the volleyball coach at Arizona] question, Kent. The official $1.98 answer given by WSU quarterbacks coach Timm Rosenbach was that Alex Brink was the starter, but the official clientele consensus to this response is bafflement. How being deemed the starting quarterback is related to playing your hot-handed quarterback in a possible comeback role in a gigantic nationally televised game is a puzzler indeed. Playing a hot Rogers for a second series in a row to see if he could keep up the heat on the Tigers would not seem to be a threat to Brink's starting status, but only taking advantage of the situation at the time. There was no pre-season uproar to make Rogers the starter. Brink is the starter, Rogers is the backup – there is no question there. Not re-inserting Rogers – who had yet to miss a pass at that point - in the third quarter, there is question there.
"Well, it looks like the Pac-10 was less than impressive on the first weekend," says Turk Thrust, who is trying not to run with scissors after watching the California game.
Well, yeah, everybody but USC [a phrase which the Trojans are trying to get a patent on as the new name of the Pac-10 conference in football] as usual. The Lounge notes that the Pac-10 refs were in mid-season form in the first conference game between Oregon and Stanford, missing a call when a Quack running back stepped out of bounds several yards previous to where the ball was officially marked. Luckily for Oregon, they were playing the Trees and it made about as much difference as having to pick your favorite Oregon uniform for the walk down the fashion runway. And if things go as they did in Tucson this weekend, it looks like each Pac-10 team can count on getting a few extra yards in personal foul penalties from the Wildcat defense The Lounge is cleaning off our shoe after stepping in the mess of the San Jose State-Washington game.
Seeing as it looks like it will be another year of USC domination in the Pac-10, the Lounge decided to cheer the clientele up with a dose of Daily Comedy. You can find out why Radio Shack is still called Radio Shack, why Paris Hilton has any business singing and the magic technology diet that allowed Katie Couric to lose a few pounds and it is all – mostly - funny.
Finally, the Lounge Scientists, still hurting from the Pluto fiasco and planning their sweet revenge, were disguising their efforts by working on a special smell-o-meter that records smells – like rotting Pluto-hating scientist flesh, for instance…okay, settle down there in the back row…actually smells like fruit and stuff for playback later when you would really need it [such as, when using a porta-potty at a college football game]. Scientists in Japan developed the device which one can point at a subject, the odor of that subject will be analyzed and can be later reproduced using non-toxic chemicals.
"Finally! We will get our revenge on the trans-Neptunian scum!!!" shouted….Uh, no, please excuse the Lounge while we detain the streaking Pluto protester. Okay boys, send him to handle the Colorado news conference this week. Now then, on to our scheduled scientific quote.
"In video, you just need to record shades of red, green and blue, but humans have 347 olfactory sensors, so we need a lot of chemicals. We can even tell a green apple from a red apple," says Lounge Scientist #11 Pambuk Somboon, a scientist at the Tokyo Institute of Technology, who is reputed to have not had any part in The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift but can easily reproduce the smell of it stinking.
The first week of college football is over – time to turn the other cheek.
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