The Cougar Lounge - Squalor On Parade

"We're pleased we popped up that prominently."

- Oregon State University spokesman, Todd Simmons, relaying his, uh, you know, excitement about the fact that OSU was named in the Top 5 schools in the country on the "Sexual Health Report Card" given by Trojan condoms [and possibly top 10 in French ticklers].

"This is so nice. I'll be coming to practice early now, just to hang out."

- Redshirt junior defender Angie Woznuk from NCAA defending champion Portland [who the Cougars will play this week at Portland] getting excited about the new locker rooms for the Pilots which include wood-trimmed lockers, vanity sinks, private showers and wireless internet access but, alas, no personalized, gold-and-diamond-encrusted pedicure kits.

"I'm not having sex for a year, I've decided."

- Socialite Paris Hilton, subtly hinting that she will not be visiting Corvallis this year.

The biggest mystery that has baffled most of the world's greatest scientific minds for the better part of the past decade has not been how to quell the turmoil in the world and achieve world peace, but rather, how does Pete Carroll do it? You know, - "it". No, not that kind of "it" – get your mind out of the gutter [but say hello to Dirk Koetter for us while you're there]! The kind where the USC head football coach can manage to keep himself blissfully unaware of anything involving his star running back's family, keep himself blissfully unaware of any living arrangement involving his star quarterback and star receiver, dress up as movie characters played by famous alums and invite rap music stars to practice all while making sure his teams win football games to keep the public entertained. It is probably confusing trying to figure out which agents are which when getting Snoop Dogg's and Will Ferrell's agents on the same caller id and then trying to keep those bad, slimy ones away from Reggie Bush's parents. But the Lounge has finally solved the mystery as Carroll was observed talking on a cell phone minutes before the Wazzu-USC kickoff – blissfully unaware of the impending outcome of the game.

In the aftermath of the fourth quarter officiating, the consensus of the Lounge clientele is that Carroll was hooked up with Pac-10 commissioner Tom Hansen to assure the Pac-10 officials selected for the game all received their brand new Starbucks franchise in return for making certain calls during the game if it ever became necessary to do so. It was the only way to explain an official changing his mind about a holding call after a flag had been thrown or another official being overridden on a crucial late-game fumble – without even reviewing it on instant replay to see which one of them was correct. The Lounge has seen this type of behavior before – usually in late night film noir movies that involve guys with names like Guido and Luigi that say things like "swimming with concrete shoes" or "sleeping with the fishes" [The Lounge has often wondered if fish sleep – especially during the boring parts of mating rituals]. The one guy does not want to spill the beans because he does not want to get offed and that's how it works in Hollywood and USC is close to Hollywood, right? Their head coach likes to dress up as movie characters. Coincidence? Hmmm…

"I was impressed with the way the Cougars played in the fourth quarter – hungry like the wolf!" says Dirk McQuickly, who, we're afraid, has gotten to close to the Lounge's Duran Duran coaster set again.

Okay, we know what you're trying to say Dirk even if you have a weird way of saying it. Wazzu played unafraid and confident during the entire game and when the fourth quarter came along - even though the referees decided to insert themselves into the game - the Cougars did not only stick with USC, they also stuck it to the Trojans on numerous occasions. On defense, this was best exemplified by Eric Frampton's hits, on offense it was best displayed by quarterback Alex Brink's all-around play [the Lounge consensus was that this was his best game ever against this level of competition] and on special teams, Andy Mattingly, Darryl Blunt and Loren Langley all showed up in a big way. Across the board, it was clearly a team bonding moment that should have resulted in a win – but showing the progress made from an opening game minor disaster against a similar opponent – when they melted away in the fourth quarter. This time in the fourth quarter, the Cougars were on the attack – not on their heels – against what may very well wind up being a stronger opponent. The most interesting aspect? All of this was done without crucial athletes who were either battling injuries or academic issues and have been either lost for that game or the season. Good news for later in the season and next year.

"At first I wasn't sure, but then I decided I liked the new uniforms," says Mr. Buenos Aires, who was shocked into fashion sense at a late age.

The Lounge consensus here was generally in favor of the new uni's. The material that was designed to prevent excessive holding needs to go back to the drawing room but the retro design was a winner – especially the gray shoulder patches and "COUGARS" across the front. But perhaps the best element of the design was the coloring – showcasing WSU's actual colors – crimson and gray – not black, white or some other unknown hue of red. There was, however, some hesitation amongst some Lounge clientele at first. They were fearful that, with this change, WSU would begin skipping merrily down Oregon's Path of Horrendous Mutations that have produced too many freaks of sporting apparel to mention. So, if the uniform change can be confined to less than rabbit-like proliferations, then we are good to go. If, though, they are unable to control their fashion hormones and send the Cougars down the Oregon runway model catwalk – there is going to be trouble with a capital T.

"This puts a new spin on the Pac-10 for Wazzu – I'm liking their chances!" says Angus McAngus, who can never remember if he is supposed to put the trash out or change the kitty litter.

Well, Angus, first of all, let us remember that we are talking about 18-22 year-olds here. Anything can happen, any day – hell, any minute – of any week. Second – injuries. Third – weather. Fourth – tubs of lima beans. Okay, so we made up that last one, but you get the picture [and it does not take 1000 words]. If the Cougars can bottle this kind of effort for every remaining Pac-10 game and stay relatively healthy along the way, the Lounge sees no reason why they should not find themselves going to a bowl game by the end of the year. A good one. If they are unable to bring this type of effort for every game, then there are going to be some inexplicable losses that will occur and they will be spending too much time kicking themselves in the butt, as they say it in highly technical coaching terms.

The Cougars are playing Oregon State this week and we know the Beavers have been good little boys for most of the year, but after only recently clearing the statute of remembering [unofficially five years] on the thug days of Dennis Erickson, they still have a few more years of buffer zone to get past the sheep incident and the beating-up-the-military-guy incident to make people forget about their seedy past that has nothing to do with agriculture. So while they do not make any recent placements on Bad Jocks listing, there are still some very interesting incidents that make one wonder what law has to get passed to begin genetic engineering experiments on humans.

Finally, the Lounge Scientists are already ahead of us, as they usually are in their rocket-powered flying cars from the future, and have been able to successfully produce adult brain cells outside of the brain and can get them to multiply and reproduce when implanted in brains of mice. Next stop – humans.

"We can, theoretically, take a single brain cell out of a human being and generate enough brain cells to replace every cell of the donor's brain," says Lounge Scientist #67 Dennis Steindler, a scientist at the University of Florida, where they have plenty of donor candidates [and if they run out, they can get some from Alabama].

We know what you are thinking but the Lounge is way ahead of you - we have already taken the liberty of submitting a group application form to the brain donor program for the Pac-10 referees. The Lounge is hoping to make a trade – we get the mice brains and we send them the Pac-10 referees' brains for educational study.

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