football

The Telepathic Tabernacle Holiday Version - Week 3

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The nog will not wear off until next week but that is why they play the games. To the callow college football well-wisher, this can be overwhelming, but to the TeleTab, this is the money week of the sport – 15 bowl games over the next 10 days and barely enough time to re-stock the nog vat. Never fear, there is always more where that came from – nog and college bowl games are not currently scheduled to become extinct. The Tab begins with the relatively inconsequential Music City Bowl and ends with the supposedly consequential Rose Bowl – although how consequential in the big picture, we will never know. Onward toward 2006 with a 15-bowl lineup! Welcome to Week Three of the Tab's 2005 Holiday Bowl Game Extravaganza.
Music City Bowl
Minnesota v. Virginia
Line: Minnesota by 3
Straight Up – Minnesota
Against The Spread – Minnesota
Tab Sez: The Golden Gophers had a good track record in recent bowl games under Glen Mason and the Wahoos will need to prove they have some justification for that nickname before Minnesota runs and runs and runs the ball over them and down their nostrils.
Sun Bowl
Northwestern v. UCLA
Line: UCLA by 3
Straight Up – UCLA
Against The Spread – UCLA
Tab Sez: The Bruins will try to keep the Pac-10 undefeated in bowl games and let's all hope they put forth a better effort than their team did last year and their fans did this year with the bowl game ticket allotment - can't blame it all on Justin Medlock and El Paso.
Independence Bowl
Missouri v. South Carolina
Line: South Carolina by 4
Straight Up – South Carolina
Against The Spread – South Carolina
Tab Sez: You better not pout, you better not cry, the Tab is tellin' you why – because we are not impressed with Missouri and their entire Big 12 conference and Santa is certainly not comin' to town for them. South Carolina will Spurrier-ize Mizzou.
Peach Bowl
Louisiana State v. Miami
Line: Miami by 4.5
Straight Up – Miami
Against The Spread – Miami
Tab Sez: LSU was on their way to the Sugar Bowl until they stopped for a last minute bite to eat in Georgia and suddenly required the Heimlich Maneuver. Now they will suffer painful peachy flashbacks and Miami's jerseys.
Holiday Fruitcake "Meineke Car Care Grease Monkey" Bowl
North Carolina State v. South Florida
Line: NC State by 4.5
Straight Up – NC State
Against The Spread – NC State
Tab Sez: The Tab is not in the habit of substituting for spurious Santa Clauses, but North Carolina State and South Florida should be thanking Santa for this X-mas gift of a bowl and subsequent extension of the season for them. Otherwise, how in the world could either of these teams have talked their way into a bowl? Our puzzlers were sore even trying to think of that.
Liberty Bowl
Fresno State v. Tulsa
Line: Fresno State by 7
Straight Up – Fresno State
Against The Spread – Tulsa
Tab Sez: Give the Tab liberty or give us death – preferably death, if it means we have to watch this. What a hunk of junk this bowl is. Probably the only redeeming qualities are that it is New Year's Eve and nothing else is on [but 28 flippin' bowl games are on – no matter how meaningless they are].
Houston Bowl
Iowa State v. TCU
Line: TCU by 4
Straight Up – TCU
Against The Spread – Iowa State
Tab Sez: Finally! The first bowl game we remotely care about. Ha ha, just a little bowl game humor there to break up the monotony.
Outback "Bruce" Bowl
Florida v. Iowa
Line: Florida by 3
Straight Up – Iowa
Against The Spread – Iowa
Tab Sez: The rematch of the 2003 Outback Bowl that the BCS Taliban intern set up. Iowa performs well in bowl games under Kirk Ferentz.
Cotton Bowl
Alabama v. Texas Tech
Line: Texas Tech by 3.5
Straight Up – Texas Tech
Against The Spread – Alabama
Tab Sez: Our inner Tab child says to take Tech. Well, actually, it says it wanted a remote control fireboat for X-mas but we're telling it he is getting no such thing because those babies cost too much. Then our inner child proceeds to throw a temper tantrum. So we said, fine, either you get Alabama on the ATS and be happy with it or you get a lump of coal. The Tab takes 'Bama to cover.
Gator Bowl
Louisville v. Virginia Tech
Line: Virginia Tech by 7
Straight Up – Virginia Tech
Against The Spread – Virginia Tech
Tab Sez: Here's the deal on Louisville – they only got one Elvis and he's not velvet. After that, it's all Virginia Tech.
Citrus "Capital One" Bowl
Auburn v. Wisconsin
Line: Auburn by 10.5
Straight Up – Auburn
Against The Spread – Auburn
Tab Sez: Now let's get this straight – the Tab likes cheese just as much as if not more than the next guy – but this is asking a lot. Wisconsin hasn't won a bowl game in awhile – and Auburn beat them in 2003 Music City Bowl, which some of these players were in. It's just too much for mere cheese alone to overcome.
Fiesta Bowl
Notre Dame v. Ohio State
Line: Ohio State by 3.5
Straight Up – Ohio State
Against The Spread – Ohio State
Tab Sez: A dream match-up with a made-for-Hollywood script! Bad guy versus badder guy. Evil v. more evil. Fruitcake v. fruitcake with extra fruit. To quote Flounder from Animal House "Oh boy, this is going to be great!" or "I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer." [Whichever works best.]
Sugar Bowl
Georgia v. West Virginia
Line: Georgia by 7
Straight Up – Georgia
Against The Spread – Georgia
Tab Sez: This bowl game will answer the question once and for all- "Does West Virginia have any business being in this bowl game?" The answer will be aptly provided by Georgia.
Orange Bowl
Florida State v. Penn State
Line: Penn State by 7.5
Straight Up – Penn State
Against The Spread – Penn State
Tab Sez: The Old Geezer Bowl is a scintillating match-up between a heavy favorite and a home-based upset waiting to happen. It won't happen.
Rose Bowl
Texas v. USC
Line: USC by 6.5
Straight Up – USC
Against The Spread – USC
Tab Sez: The Tab could go into some long, detailed explanation as to why this game is going to be a USC win and cover – but we did that last year and given the results, was it really necessary? USC wins, covers, keeps the Pac-10 undefeated and takes home their third consecutive national championship trophy.
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New York City Transit Bowl
Central Michigan v. Western Michigan
Line: No line – there is a strike against too many Michigan teams in bowl games.
Straight Up – Canada
Against The Spread – Lake Erie
Tab Sez: Winner gets to take credit for Northwestern, Southeastern, Northeastern and Southwestern Michigan while also assuming creative control over any other directional school originating in the state of Michigan that has yet to be discovered within Earth's gravitational pull.
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